Transformation Stories

I just spent a wonderful autumn weekend in the Berkshires on my fourth Breast Cancer Retreat. Looking back, I can see how far I have come since being diagnosed with stage IIIA breast cancer in November 2009. This retreat, I attended as a facilitator, but do remember well the fall of 2010, when I attended my first BC retreat as a participant, following a grueling 8 months of treatment. Having entered the “world of the very ill,” only months earlier, I felt as if suddenly a sluice had been lifted and I had been uncontrollably swept along, carried by a flood of events that would alter my life forever. At the same time, I felt bizarrely suspended in time, trapped in a grotesque world that had become my “new reality.” A world that was so alien, so uninteresting, so flat, that I was sure life would never be beautiful for me again. Still reeling from the isolating trauma of my diagnosis and treatment – I didn't know what to expect as I walked bravely in the door of Angel's Rest Retreat Center, feeling so totally terrified and alone.

Much of that weekend 4 years ago is a blur, as was most of that year, but I did come away renewed - feeling as if I had been dropped into a safe, healing haven surrounded by women who understood. Some were newly diagnosed, others were many years out from their challenge. All were gathered under the prophetic tutelage of the founder and wise leadership of Cynthia Cote, to be given the opportunity to transform how we looked at this unwelcome disease and to take the challenge of breast cancer and transform it.

Maya Angelou said “there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” On that first weekend and the subsequent retreats I have attended, the stories we shared were deeply private and raw. Beyond the wonderful programming in the creative and healing arts or adventuring, the time spent connecting with other survivors and the sharing of their unedited stories served to help unload the unbearable weight of the fear, loss and isolation a breast cancer diagnosis had thrust upon me. Only someone who has walked this path truly understands - as it should be. The “very well” whose love and support is deeply needed and vital for recovery, with all their best intentions, sometimes just don't get it. There are other conversations a cancer patient needs to have and those are with their comrades on the same journey. The people who have triumphed or who are struggling with the disease provide hope and solace for a wounded heart. Their voices are heard and understood.

Last spring I joined a group of 11 other women on a BC Retreat located at the Kennedy Learning Center on the shores of beautiful Lake Damariscotta in Maine. The understanding of the restorative power of nature created these gatherings to help women with breast cancer safely face physical challenges while at the same time addressing the emotional and spiritual aspect of the journey. Our founder knew we would benefit and grow from the experience and perhaps take our first tenuous steps toward “thriving.” She was so right.

This time, as a participant, I was humbled and transformed by the experience. I enjoyed hiking, kayaking and ultimately challenging myself on a spectacular ropes course in the tree tops. All the women were able to apply the literal metaphor of “letting go” on the ropes course to the challenges we face as cancer survivors. We were encouraged by the wonderful group leaders to try stretching ourselves by attempting the safe, (albeit knee-shaking) physical feats way outside our comfort zones, while being physically and emotionally held, supported and cheered on by the fellow participants who were belaying us from below. Lives were changed that weekend. Maybe even somehow saved.

Scientists have discovered now that a traumatic event does not doom us to suffer indefinitely. It is possible, with work, to use the event as a springboard to discover our hidden and perhaps best qualities and uncover a new sense of purpose and meaning in our lives. I can now tell the newly diagnosed that there is much hope for amazing growth in reclaiming your health and an opportunity to redesign one's life after a cancer diagnosis. I have after all, on this cancer journey, with a little hard work regained my health and uncovered the surprising gift of my own personal strength and resilience. Above all, this path toward health and recovery has provided me with opportunity to forge lifelong friendships, share the joy and blessings of living beyond cancer with others and ultimately be at peace with the great mystery that is our life journey, however short or long. I attribute much of this personal growth to the opportunity I have had to embrace this life-changing program and I know I will return every year to either share as a facilitator or grow as a participant.

Cyn Orlandella

Used with author’s permission